Xander, Queen of the Underworld
by SmileyBoo
Summary: A humorous take on what might have happened if the season 6 episode "Once More, With Feeling" had ended differently.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own nothing, as usual.

Xander, Queen of the Underworld

Chapter 1

"So…does this mean I have to…be your Queen?" Xander gulped, staring at the bright red demon of musical numbers, who he had so foolishly summoned to make sure he and Anya would get their happy ending. Bad idea. _Way_ bad.

"It's tempting," the scoobies were silent as the demon stroked his chin, mulling it over, "and, the invocation details _are_ rather binding…"

Xander prayed to whatever gods were out there to deliver him from whatever unspeakable…musical-ness awaited him.

"So I accept!" The 'gods' had forsaken him.

That had been a while ago. The raven-haired young man knew the Slayer and their friends would probably be looking for him, but even _he_ had no idea what dimension he was in, so he wasn't all that convinced it would be a quick recovery.

"My lord!" A wooden-headed minion danced into the hall, addressing the King of the dance in a rather robotic voice, "My master; there's been a tangling-"

The red demon glared.

"My liege?" The King pointed a curved finger at the young man in the seat beside him.

"Oh-and my Queen; great to see you."

Xander groaned.

"That's better," the demon smiled at his 'wife', who offered a weak grin in return, "Now; what news of a tangling?"

"The marionette-demons; no one knows whose strings are whose! They…" The blockhead rambled on, but Xander tuned him out.

"I believe this requires my immediate attention; the show won't go on tonight if I don't sort this out before the other thespians find out and start manipulating the marionettes." He joined his blabbering servant, "I trust you can take care of everything in my absence?"

No. Xander didn't _want_ to be left alone to deal with the creeps that inhabited this crummy place. He didn't _want_ to check the lighting and the sound cues, or go over lines, or tend to the stage-or anything else that had to do with any of the 500 musicals put up every day in this worse-than-Hell-dimension.

The young man moved to protest, but the demon cut him off, "Now Xander; I've let you tag along and observe as much as you need to; you're more than capable of dealing with any issues that arise in this theater," the red creature cast him a sympathetic look, "but it's time you take responsibility..."

The dimension's only human didn't really feel like listening to yet another lecture on the duties of the 'Queen of the Underworld', so he just shrugged it off with a "Yeah, yeah, yeah," and waved the demon away. Sinking into his velvet-upholstered chair, Xander ran his hands through his hair.

"My Queen!" another demon with light blue skin, wings, and pointed ears, held up a tattered tutu, "That _animal_ ruined our costumes!" The pathetic thing was close to tears. So too was the 'Queen' who wanted nothing more than to be _anywhere_ but there.

The premier of the dimension's reenactment of Shakespeare's "A Midsummer Night's Dream", complete with actual flying demons for fairies and another supernatural creature that truly had a donkey-head to play the unfortunate 'Nick', was tomorrow night. And 'Nick' had given in to his animal instincts and destroyed the cast's carefully constructed wardrobe; yet again. Xander was well aware of this, and actually knew the exact number of hours it took to recreate the costumes, as well as the names of the creatures that had worked at it, and at this point could probably sew his own tutu or tunic with ease. The dark-eyed youth was ashamed.

"I'll call the repair team." He sighed, getting out of his chair to perform his queenly duties.

Xander started his search with the stage wings, unsuccessfully, and then turned his efforts to the backstage area, where he finally found them with a crowd of other actor and stage-crew demons trying to subdue the one with the donkey head.

"Whoa there!" All turned to acknowledge their beloved co-ruler's entrance, halting their work. The raven-haired one nodded at his subjects, and calmly headed over to donkey-head. "Easy boy; it's alright." A simple few strokes of the furry head and a loosening of the harness that held him was more than enough to calm the beast. It definitely worked better than this dimension's preference for tying and torturing such uncooperative performers.

"Thank you, your highness!" The demons bowed in gratitude.

"Enough with the bowing; it was no big deal." He knew they wouldn't listen. Normally the young man was into him-worship, but no when it came with the rather effeminate title of 'Queen', which he did not find quite as cool.

"You guys should loosen his reigns every once in a while; be nice, you know?" The crowd dissolved into fits of laughter.

"You jest, dear queen!"

"What a laugh."

"Kindness?"

"Who would ever!"

Xander sighed. He missed the days when niceness was…nice.

Forcing himself out of his usual homesick reverie, the young royal got back to business.

"Costumes, right," he murmured to himself, "can I get some seamstresses in here?"

A few hunchbacked demons with stringy white hair and long pointed nails hobbled forward.

"Shall we, ladies?"

The dark-haired boy was not all that into sewing. It was so…girly. Not all in-keeping with his previous mucho-macho construction worker position. Those were the days…

"Ow!" The sewing boy pricked himself with a needle, drawing him back into the conversation of the hags before him.

"I don't see why we can't sew another donkey head and put it on a less destructive actor!" The first flashed her amber eyes through her mess of limp bangs.

"Indeed! Surely there's _someone_ out there who's better suited!" The second gestured to accentuate her speech with a knobby, fabric-covered hand.

"Suited for what?" The 'Queen' had only tuned into the last few words of the second demon.

"The role of Nick Bottom!" the third filled him in, her forked tongue darting, "So what if he has a _real_ donkey head? It's not appearance that makes a show! It's the _acting_!"

"Which he's not even _doing_ because he already _is_ a man with a donkey head!" The first affirmed.

"Oo!" the second squealed, "What if we simply cut off the beast's head? We could hollow it out and put it on a new actor-still using a _genuine_ donkey head!"

"No, no-that wouldn't do," the first scolded, "he's visiting from another dimension. The king summoned him specifically for this role. They'll be sending him back after the show."

"Where is he from again?" The third inquired.

"Some almost-human dimension. Like your world, my Queen!" The second grinned in Xander's direction.

"We'll need to be careful about sending him back. One mispronounced word could send him to _your_ universe, your highness!" The first warned.

A plan was slowly taking root in Xander's mind. Not a great plan, by any means, but a plan nonetheless.

"Oh-just think! The misery he'd bring there." The third shuddered.

"You really hate this guy, don't you?" The hags nodded in agreement.

The brown-eyed one rubbed his chin; "What if I subbed for him?"

"…What?"

"A Queen? In such a role!"

"Can you even act?"

The room was a flurry of insulting, doubtful comments.

"Alright, alright! I get that you guys don't want a royal being a donkey-but just think!" Xander grinned, "No one will know-I'll have a donkey head on! I'll tell the King that I'm not feeling well so I can't watch with him. It's foolproof!"

The demon seamstresses were not convinced.

"Come on! I'll hide donkey-boy in my room to sub for the 'sick' me, and you won't have to deal with him! No more eaten costumes, no more baying-fits…it's a win-win!"

The women argued quietly amongst themselves, then gave a unanimous, "We're in!"


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Me? Own anything? Ha. Good one.

Chapter 2

"Okay; I think he's asleep." The young Queen drew a hand across his dampened brow, disgustedly wiping the donkey-spit from off his face. It had taken one sleeping spell, two jars of grape-flavored cold medicine imported from the Human-verse, and three and a half hours to subdue and secure the donkey-headed beast in Xander's room.

The hag-demons rolled onto their humps, panting from their efforts.

"M-my…qu-queen…" The first was unable to continue for want of breath.

"A-are you…e-even able to…to act the…the part?" The second continued.

The brown-eyed boy had memorized every line, every costume change, every scrap of blocking…was _he_ ready?

"Oh yeah," he grinned, "I'm ready."

After accompanying his 'husband' to his nightly royal show, and then retiring to his personal rooms, which the demon had been kind enough to grant him, Xander rushed back to the theater. All night he practiced, saying lines the way donkey-head liked to say them, moving the way donkey-head did with his giant head twisting, taking in small distractions between blocking. The King could _not_ know anything was amiss.

In the early morning, the other actors assembled on the stage, and were shocked to find their beloved Queen lying on the ground, donned in the faux-donkey head the hunchbacked demons had created for him the night before. Of course; they had no idea it wasn't the true animalistic actor himself, and promptly began kicking him to wake him.

"Ow! Hey! Watch it!" The room stood still at the sound of their ruler's strong voice. "I mean…neigh?"

The assembly rolled their eyes, assuming 'Nick' was messing around by imitating the Queen. Close call.

Xander stood up and adjusted his cumbersome faux-head. Showtime.

By the time the stage was being cleaned for the final performance that night, the cast and crew demons were rather suspicious. There had been no baying, no tutu-nibbling, and no disruptions all day.

"You sure are professional when it gets down to the wire." The puke-green demon playing Pan commented.

"It was-neigh!-no problem! I-I'm always like that; waiting 'til the last minute to-neigh!-shape up." Xander smiled beneath his costume.

The demon walked away, raising a pointed eyebrow. The dark-haired Queen considered that perhaps he was overdoing it with the 'neighs'. _Did_ donkeys even neigh? He wasn't sure.

"My Que-" The second hag cut off the words emerging from her friend's peeling lips, slapping a hand across the first demon's face.

"She means to say…'My Nick'."

"Right, right," Xander nodded his bulky head, "So; what time's the King sending the _real_ donkey-head back?"

"Immediately after the performance!" The third demon volunteered.

"Like-actors go off demon-King-of-musicals comes backstage and 'poof' Nick's gone?"

"Precisely my Que-"

"_Nick_." The second hag corrected.

"Okay-let's do this."

While the cast warmed up backstage, the seamstress demons hurried to their master, informing him of his 'wife's' untimely sickness.

"Ah, well. I suppose we can't be expected to attend _all_ performances," the red creature sighed, "I'll have to send my regards to our newest cast member from my Queen's bedchamber."

"No! Your majesty!" The first cried.

"The Queen-"

"He feels he is contagious!"

"Doesn't want you to miss the show!"

"Was _so_ excited-couldn't bear to have you put it off!"

The demon ruler silenced his subjects. "I shall do as I please. But thank you; for relying the Queen's wishes."

"But-" They tried.

"Be gone!" their king walked a few paces, then turned back, "You'd better hurry up. The curtain is about to rise."


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: At long last I own…nada.

Chapter 3

Xander was mentally running lines in the wings as he waited for the curtain to arise.

"The ringing rocks…no…the ringing clocks…but phones would make more sense in context…" he'd been perfect all day, but now that it was getting down to the wire, the raven-haired royal wasn't so sure he could pull off the part, "Maybe it was the raging smocks? The raging rocks! That's it! The raging rocks and sniveling socks! Wait…socks…?"

"My Queen!" A hag shrieked, as she and her two demon coworkers rushed backstage. None of them moved to cover the first's mouth; there were more important things to deal with.

"Hey!" The 'Queen' greeted them, glad to have a distraction from his troublesome line-memorization, "Did you tell the King?"

"Alas-we did!"

"He wishes to miss the performance!"

"He refused to leave-"

"We tried to explain-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," the human youth held up his hands to silence the hysterical creatures, "He's not coming? It's fine! As long as he doesn't find out about donkey-brain we-"

"But your highness!" yelped one of the seamstresses, "He plans to visit your chambers-"

"-and nurse you to health!" The second hag finished.

The brown-eyed boy wasn't sure which was more disturbing; the fact that his carefully-laid plans were unraveling before his eyes, or the idea of his demonic spouse 'nursing' him. He shuddered.

"What will we do, my liege!" The last cried.

Xander wasn't quite sure. The show was moments from beginning-there was no way he could make it back to his room in time to hide 'Nick' or interrupt the King's advance to his humble abode. There was no way donkey-head could or would ever actually _want_ to pretend to be the 'Queen' after the royal and his friends so brutally tranquilized the poor beast. The human was running out of options.

"Think Xander, _think_!" the youth ran his fingers through his unkempt donkey-mane.

The small group listened as a projector demon announced to the theater's audience that there would be five minutes before the play's commencement.

"Dear Queen-"

"I've got it!" The fair skinned young man grinned beneath his large faux-donkey-teeth. It was a longshot; but he'd have to try it.

The King of the musical dimension hummed to himself as he strode towards his 'wife's' quarters. He found it odd that he had taken ill so soon before the play, and was particularly annoyed that he would have to miss one of his idol, William Shakespeare's, most famous works. It wasn't every day his kingdom had the honor of performing a work of such prestige; it required the most skilled demons, the most intricate of costumes, the most magnificent of sets-plus he'd never had the pleasure of employing a truly donkey-headed performer before.

Though he had started his journey to his beloved's rooms before the seamstress demons had spoken to their Queen and rushed back to find him, they made quick work of it, scurrying on their talon-ed toes as fast as they possibly could. It was this, and the added rush of demon-adrenaline that the stressful circumstances evoked, that allowed the scaly girls to reach their King just as he reached Xander's bedroom door.

"Wait!" The first sputtered, catching her breath.

"What is this?" the reddened ruler was greatly displeased by this second interruption.

"We wanted to pass on a message from the Queen!"

Rolling his eyes at what he thought was another attempt at pushing him to go to the play the seamstresses had worked so very hard on, the King responded, "I'm going to visit my wife now. She can tell me then."

"No!" the second hag pleaded as her master ignored her, entering Xander's rooms, "The Queen is not…"

The demon god of music gasped at the creature in the bed before him.

"…there."

It was right before the end of act one that the King's non-demonic 'mistress' saw him enter the theater, taking his usual post upon his gilded theater-throne.

"My…Nick!" the first seamstress hissed from behind the wings.

"We told him what you said!" the second chimed in.

"And?" The dark-haired boy whispered back.

"He believed us!" The third snickered proudly.

Xander grinned.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: If I told you I _did_ own something; would you even believe me?

Chapter 4

As the curtain closed on Act V, the theater erupted in applause. Xander breathed a sigh of relief as he grabbed his fellow actors' inhuman hands so the cast could take their final bow when the curtains reopened. It hadn't been too bad a performance-the novice _had_ messed up two of his lines, but his adlibbed substitutes were seamless. There was a scare in scene IV when the left stage cue caller fell asleep (Shakespeare was NOT the crew demon's favorite playwright), so a few actors missed their entrances by a few seconds, but the audience seemed to hardly notice. When the curtains reopened, the cast stepped forward to accept the audience's standing ovation, and none cheered louder than Xander's 'beloved' spouse. As the curtains closed and the clapping died down, the 'Queen' immediately set about taking off the sweat-filled donkey head. Once his raven head was liberated, he chucked it aside, praying to whatever gods were out there that he would never need to wear it again.

"Incredible." A familiar, throaty voice sounded from behind Xander's back.

"Oh, uh, thanks," Xander looked bashfully at the ground. No one had ever really encouraged his acting before. It was a talent those around him had insistently informed him that he never had. "So…I'm guessing you liked it?"

"The performance, though not quite the best this theater has ever seen, was by far the most inspiring I have ever had the pleasure of seeing," The red demon grinned, "A royal has never before dared to act in any production of mine."

The human gulped.

"I wasn't sure how my subjects would take to seeing one of their leaders onstage, but I would say it went over wonderfully. Wouldn't you?"

"Yeah! I got a standing ovation and everything." The young man allowed himself to beam.

"Indeed you did," The Lord of the Dance laughed, "Still," his tone changed, "It is a shame that our poor donkey-headed friend took ill. Inspirational though your performance in his place was, it would have been nice to have a truly donkey-headed performer onstage for the final show."

"I agree!" Xander nodded emphatically, "But you know, him being our guest and all, I wouldn't have wanted him to be sick onstage-that's why I had him resting in my room, and I didn't tell you because of the whole 'no royals may act' thing-"

"I understand, dear Queen. The dressmakers informed me." The demon cut him off.

The 'Queen' winced at the mention of his title.

"And I thank you for putting yourself on the line for the sake of the show." He continued.

"Well, you know what they say; the show _must_ go on!" The human wiped his forehead with the back of his calloused hand, "So…um…where _is_ donkey-head? Still sleeping?"

"Oh, no."

"W-what?" The dark-haired one's eyes grew wide. Who knew what horrible truths had been uttered once the donkey-beast woke up?

"When actors from other realms fall ill, I have no use for them."

Xander did not like where this was going.

"So I simply sent him back home."

"Oh." The 'wife's' face fell. It seemed his plan had failed after all. But on the bright side, acting _had_ been fun. Maybe staying in the musical dimension wouldn't be so bad if he could pursue this newfound hobby. The young man smiled at the thought.

"But this whole experience has gotten me thinking," the red one mused, "that perhaps I will not only wave the 'no royals may act' policy for you, but abolish it completely so that myself and my next queen might also enjoy the glory of the stage."

Xander heard only two words, "_Next_ queen?"

"Oh, dear me-did I forget to tell you?" The dark-haired one looked quizzically up at his demon lord, "I have only one set of chambers for my queens. I could of course construct a few more but who has time for all that when there are so many plays to be putting on?"

"Huh?" This had done nothing to clear up the human's confusion.

"I haven't only been summoned by you, my Queen. Haven't you ever wondered why no other 'Queens' were here with you?"

Now that he mentioned it, that fact did seem a little odd.

"Due to my space constraints, I can only accommodate one queen at a time, so the next time I am summoned and thus bound to take another queen, I have to dispose of the old one."

"_Kill_ dispose?" Xander whispered shakily.

"Of course not!" The demon laughed, "I just send them home. Why would I kill someone because I refuse to make space for them? That seems unnecessarily harsh, wouldn't you say?"

"I-um-uh-well-yes…" The brown-eyes one stuttered in shock. A demon that _wasn't_ going to kill him? That was a first.

"Speaking of which, there was a summoning I meant to deal with yesterday, but I've been putting it off until the end of the performance," The musical ruler began, "So I will be leaving tonight to wreak my usual havoc."

The young man couldn't believe his ears.

"I would invite you to come along, but in my experience queens don't usually like to meet the one that's going to take their throne, so I thought I might just send you home tonight, if it's not too inconvenient." He smiled.

"Um…yeah! I mean, I'll miss being…um…being your Queen was great and all…uh…I think I'll be able to handle the rejection." Xander inwardly screeched for joy.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I. OWN. NOTHING.

Chapter 5

"…and that's how I escaped the red demon guy of perpetual musicalness!"

The Scooby Gang stared blankly at their newly regained member.

"You expect us to believe _that's_ what happened?" Buffy stared at her best guy friend incredulously.

"M-maybe he's just a…a little confused…" Willow tried.

"Guys! I'm telling the truth here! I really-" The raven-haired one whined.

"Yes, well, I think the important thing is that we're, ah, all back together now." Giles interrupted.

"I believe him!" Anya cried in support of her beloved fiancée, "You never know what these demon ruler types do with their brides."

"Yeah!" Xander encouraged.

"Some torture them, some eat them, I knew one once that used to force their bride to babysit their pet spider demons!" Everyone else cringed.

"See?" The ex-demon's boyfriend smiled.

"So for all we know, he _was_ Queen of the Underworld!"

"Yea-wait…" The room erupted in laughter.

Xander smiled. Teasing or not, he was glad to be home.


End file.
